Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
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The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
#math
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!