Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
You Might Also Like
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.