I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
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My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
next question.
This is the one
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Guys, I found it.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like