Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
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Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.