Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
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me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I love snow
– People who never shovel