My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
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If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
the saddest jazz hands ever
me when the borders lift
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six