the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
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“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy