Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
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Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.