To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value