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sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
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I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?