My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
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Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
No, he would not have.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.