That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
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Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
want me to check your oil?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?