I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
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“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
let’s discuss
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.