Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
the #horror is real!
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.