Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
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It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.