I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
You Might Also Like
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Check your privilege
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.