My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
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[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I want this so bad
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Ah..makes sense now
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.