Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
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I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them