up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
You Might Also Like
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
How to make infinite energy.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened