what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
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Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
The three genders
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.