Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
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dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.