Remember folks 😂
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I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*