[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
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[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
TODAY
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?