I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.