I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
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Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM