*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
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me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?