I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
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I’m a self-made hundredaire
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Krampus.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly