When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
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Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.