{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit