Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
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She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets