The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
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The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Good morning.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!