Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
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Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*