Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
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Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.