My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Did I do this right
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.