[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
respect
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.