[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
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Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.