*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
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Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Good morning.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”