my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
You Might Also Like
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.