A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
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Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Great acting.. 😂
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
can’t catch a break
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.