Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
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The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
BRAKING NEWS!!
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*