I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
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Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
bears
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old