Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
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every. time.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Does this dress make me look cat?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.