why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.