It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
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i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
every. time.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Somebody’s lying.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE