Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
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Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Don’t talk down to me
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
translated into Canadian
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.