Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
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6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.