My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
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Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Dammit Chief not again
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Seems kinda suspicious
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that