Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?