Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them