@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
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The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
#parenting
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house